Have you ever felt like a candle burning from both ends? Still, I managed....until today.
My mom has been very weak and can barely walk now. Strange, since just 10 days ago she was out driving around. Apparently she has some kind of inner ear condition that is making her dizzy and weak. She has some good days and some not so good days. She now walks with my help and with a walker.
I was helping her to bed after feeding her lunch and suddenly she just started crying. I asked what was wrong and where she hurt and she said no where but she felt really odd. I asked what she meant and she said she felt it was time to go. I knew what she meant but I wanted to make sure I did not misunderstood her and I told her that she didn't have to leave, she can stay with me as long as she wants. (she has her own bedroom at my house since she's here frequently, I wished she'd just stay here.)
She looked at me tenderly and then touched my face and shook her head and said no, that she felt it was time -- that she was dying. I helped her into bed and then got in with her and hugged her and told her she was fine, just weak. I reminded her that just a week ago, she was driving and maybe she won't feel up to doing that, but will get her strength back.
I held her as she trembled and then finally calmed down. She had mentioned she was too much trouble for me and I said, not at all. She's always been there for me and now it's my turn to be there for her. And I couldn't help but wonder how many times she may have held me in such ways when I was little. I remembered falling off a bike when I was four and she scooped me up so fast and ran inside to wash my bloody knees. I shared that story with her and she seemed to stare into space before a smile finally emerged on her face. She told me how stubborn I was and how determined I was to ride my brother's bicycle. (he was 15)
Finally I kissed her and told her to take a little nap and when she wakes up, she can decide if she wants to go see my daughter play (she has a softball game this evening) and if not, we'll play "Trouble" here at home -- one of her favorite little board games. She nodded and before I knew it, she was sound asleep.
I felt odd as I left the room. I know we can't have our mothers forever and mine is 85, but still....
I instantly thought of that story, "I love you Forever"by Robert Munsch -- anyone know it?
I love that book and can never get through it without crying.
I remember reading it to my children. They always loved it. My youngest would always hug me and tell me that someday she would take care of me.
I'll love you forever,
I'll love you for always,
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.
I hope your mother feels better now, Esther. I think I told you my mother passed away last August from Alzheimer's. She was only 70. This will be my first Mother's Day without her, even though for the last couple of years she really didn't realize what was going on. You are doing a wonderful thing caring for her. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jeff. My condolences on losing your mother. All of those "firsts" without her can be hard. I lost my mother-in-law seven years ago. We were extremely close. I was very lucky. She adored me and I loved her very much. To this day, I miss her often. Thank you again for your kind words.
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