Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Morning Side of the Mountain

For years and years, my life has been lonely. Yes, I have my three girls - and they keep me very busy - and I have my momma and a handicapped sister - who also keep me busy -- and I have a job I love more than almost anything. Sometimes it seems overwhelming - juggling it all - 3 girls, including one who is Down Syndrome, my elderly mom, a handicapped sister, dozens of medical appointments, and work. But this is my life. This will always be my life.

Honestly, work - and reading books - keeps me going. I read a lot. I love books. If I am not working, with family, or sleeping, I am reading. And at work I talk to people - lots of people - and I laugh and love what I do. But every single day, I see couples and wonder about the love they appear to have for each other. It kind of fascinates me. I envy it a little - ok, I know it's wrong, sometimes I envy it a lot - but I have accepted that it will never happen to me. I am too busy. I do not have anything left to offer anyone. Still, I wonder.....

When I was younger, there was one Donny Osmond song I always hated. Maybe hate is too strong a word - but the song was a sad one and I didn't understand why they would sing about something that never happened. I did not like it. It made no sense to me. Now it does. Such a sad song......

There was a girl, there was a boy. 
If they had met they might have found a world of joy.
But he lived on the morning side of the mountain
And she lived on the twilight side of the hill.

They never met, they never kissed.
They will never know what happiness they've missed.
'Cause he lived on the morning side of the mountain,
And she lived on the twilight side of the hill.

What if my love is on the other side of the mountain? What if he is really out there? No. It doesn't matter. I will never love again. My life is preordained. This is my Cross to carry. I am to take care of my daughter, I am to take care of my mom, and I am to take care of my handicapped sister - forever. That's all I know. That's all I have. I have nothing to offer. I have nothing to give. Who wants that? It would not be fair to that person. So, I will just work and take care of my family. That is all.

And when I feel lonely, I will cry myself to sleep. By morning, things will always be better and I will always be busy - so I will forget about everything - until it is time to drive home - then it will hit me again. It's ok. I get 45 minutes to get it out of my system. Then I will put on my smile again, greet my girls, and do what I need to do until it is time for bed.