Toasting to a Fresh Start

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 2009

Entry #150

Toasting to a Fresh Start

by Esther Avila

April looked around her new bedroom. It was perfect.

“Everything had to be white. That’s what I told him,” she told her best friend Nicky as she let herself fall on top of the white down’s comforter on her white wrought iron bed.

Across the small room, lit candles reflected two sad faces off the mirror of a white dresser.

“I still can’t believe you said yes? You don’t love him,” Nicky said. “It’s not too late. Call your parents. Tell them you want to go home.”

“I have no family,” April answered quietly as she looked at long-stem white roses adorning the bedside table. “They threw me out. He saved me. I owe him this.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to marry him.”

Nicky tried to talk some last minute sense into her friend. In a few hours it would be too late. The wedding was scheduled for morning.

April looked at her maid of honor – her only real friend – the only person who really knew her.

Removing a bottle of wine from under the bed, April poured red wine into a single goblet.

“Some things have to be red,” April said, sharing the wine with Nicky who sobbed quietly.

“Don’t cry, my love. I’m not going to marry Jack,” April said, brushing her wine-tasting, arsenic-covered lips against Nicky’s. “Don’t be scared. In vino veritas. No one can ever separate us again.”

Waiting on a Miracle

I am very excited and honored to learn that I earned an Honorable Mention - and I made it into the "Forties Club" - with this story I submitted into Clarity of Night's recent contest. (Members of the Clarity of Night Forties Club are entries scoring 40 or higher out of 45 possible points.) For those of you who missed my story, here it is:
Entry #125
Waiting on a Miracle
by Esther Avila

Jack watched the television, his mouth open at the scene unfolding at Fashion Point Mall -- police tape, metal, skin, and chaos.

“Unbelievable!” he said to himself as the phone rang.

“Hey, are you watching the news?” Kyle asked. “Can you believe it?”

Just the day before, Jack and Kyle met for dinner -- and a few drinks.

“Stop being such a baby. If I were in that wheelchair, I wouldn’t be such a whiner,” Kyle had said.“I dare you to spend the whole evening in a wheelchair.”

The deal was on. Heading to the mall, Kyle obtained a chair and proceeded to maneuver around the shops.

“Nothing to it,” he said. “I bet my grandma could do this blindfolded.”

“Tell me that after you take the stairs.”

Kyle headed to the escalator, ignoring the warning: Strollers and Wheelchairs Prohibited.

“Don’t do it Kyle. I was kidding.”

Too late.Jack felt helpless as he watched his best friend tumble to the bottom of the stairs.

Laughing, Kyle stood, thankful for the beers that cushioned the fall.

A concerned crowd had gathered around him.“I can walk,” Kyle yelled as he stood and pushed away the chair. “It’s a miracle!”

Jack’s attention turned back to the pretty reporter on the news.

“…..two people are in critical condition and four others in serious condition after they rolled their wheelchairs down the escalator, apparently looking for a miracle. A man in his mid 20s was miraculously healed yesterday …..”

33 Comments:

McKoala said...
Appreciated your twist!
January 15, 2009 12:23 AM

kunal said...
good ending .. riveting in a way.
January 15, 2009 1:01 AM

Lena said...
that was some good twist. but somehow it is good that people still believe in miracles, even though it does not work out always. Well written!
January 15, 2009 1:36 AM

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...
Ha ha!That was a good read,and relieving too :)
January 15, 2009 3:35 AM

K.Lawson Gilbert said...
Unique take. Good writing skills - I like the way the story unfolded. (Kyle needs an attitude adjustment- lol)
January 15, 2009 7:14 AM

Scott said...
Things just work out for some people! I loved your take on the picture; this was a fun-to-read piece.
January 15, 2009 7:35 AM

laughingwolf said...
nice twist :)
January 15, 2009 7:45 AM

Aerin said...
oh, my gosh. such a great story - LOVE this
January 15, 2009 8:35 AM

wrath999 said...
Cool and enjoyable tale
January 15, 2009 9:08 AM

RiverSoul said...
Loved the macabre twist...Heh! Heh! Server them right for blindly believing everything they see.:DDo read my story too.:)#86.:)
January 15, 2009 9:26 AM

peggy said...
what a twisty ending. good job!
January 15, 2009 12:18 PM

BernardL said...
Ouch! Well done.
January 15, 2009 1:11 PM

Aine said...
Oh!! Fabulous! And, sadly, so true to human nature. You had me on the edge of my seat until the scene was revealed.Loved it!!:)
January 15, 2009 4:23 PM

Patsy said...
I wasn't expecting that.
January 15, 2009 4:55 PM

Jaye Wells said...
Loved the punch line. Thanks for the laugh.
January 15, 2009 5:24 PM

Anonymous said...
Wicked! Loved it.John McAuley
January 15, 2009 7:11 PM

bluesugarpoet said...
Nice twist at the end - completely unexpected! - jana
January 15, 2009 9:50 PM

Catvibe said...
I really love the ending!
January 16, 2009 10:52 AM

BrownPhantom said...
Nothing prepared me for the end. Very fuuny :).-Prashant Dhanke
January 16, 2009 12:16 PM

iLL Man said...
Never be shy of a sick joke........... =DMinimal fuss in the telling and the gag came out of nowhere. Nicely done.Ewen.
January 16, 2009 8:44 PM

pjd said...
Like everyone else, I love the brilliant twist. The buildup really sells it.
January 17, 2009 1:53 AM

Senorita said...
LOL...great writing... loved the end :)
January 17, 2009 11:32 AM

September said...
Thank you for reading it and commenting. It sure was fun writing it. I got the idea after my daughter tripped on one and jokingly said the same thing after standing up (though not on stairs)and being a news reporter, I had to throw one into the story. :)I've enjoyed reading all of the other stories too. I am almost done too. There sure were a lot of them. Thanks again.
January 17, 2009 10:55 PM

sawan said...
Esther, tht was a grt grt story and a grt msg too..
January 18, 2009 12:56 PM

Terry said...
Esther, such inspired writing! I could really see your characters, and I loved the line, "...thankful for the beers that cushioned the fall." I've dated this idiot. Fun read with an outrageous twist.
January 18, 2009 3:23 PM

Geraldine said...
Naughty but nice. Tres interesting take on this photo prompt!
January 18, 2009 11:20 PM

September said...
Sawan, Terry and Geraldine - Aww...You guys warmed my heart and made me smile. Thank you so much for the kind and uplifting comments.
January 19, 2009 3:22 AM

ceedy said...
Nice story...and a good message...What the heck take a chance will ya.....
January 19, 2009 12:05 PM

Sarah Hina said...
I loved this one, Esther! Such a natural unfolding of events, making the twist that much more memorable. You did so much right with this joke gone wrong. :) Expertly written, with convincing characters and dialogue. The desire to believe can lead people to do crazy things. Well done!
January 19, 2009 2:11 PM

September said...
Ceedy and Sarah, thank you so very much for your comments. They mean a lot to me.Everyone: Well, I read every single story in the contest - all 125 of them, and some of them I read two to three times. I also commented on each and every one.Wonderful little contests Jason runs. They are fun to write, and even more fun to read and learn.
January 20, 2009 2:40 AM

Terry said...
Thanks for giving us another wonderful example of how it's done! Congratulations on placing so highly in this talented little pond.
January 20, 2009 12:52 PM

jason evans (contest official) said...
Congratulations on the honorable mention!Great job with pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, storytelling, and voice! And welcome to the Forties Club!!Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.January 20, 2009 11:01 PM

September said...
Oh Terry - You're too kind. Thank you.Jason: Thank you for all of the hours you put into this. Your contests and comments are greatly appreciated and have encouraged me to take a leap of faith. I write newspaper articles but my heart and soul wants to move towards short stories again - and I want to continue with my novel once more...thank you for re-firing me up.
January 21, 2009 12:23 PM

"Letting Go"

This past weekend I attended and wrote about the fifth annual "Wish Upon A Star - Shave the Brave" event. Law enforcement, firemen, and military men and women shaved their heads, beards, mustaches - to raise money to make dying children's dreams come true.
After that event, I covered a "Locks of Love" story - two sisters with hair long enough to sit on had never cut their hair in their lives (10 and 12 years) -- I was there for their first cut.

I decided this was a good place to post my last online contest story.
I entered the 250-words or less short story in Jason Evan's Clarity of Night'
The way the contests work: Jason posts a photo and writers are inspired to write a short short story, using the photo as inspiration.
This particular contest sported a photo of a motorcycle.

"Letting Go"

Ever since Sarah could remember, Johnny wanted a motorcycle, so it did not surprise her that when he turned 16, it was what he asked for.

“No. Absolutely not,” Sarah said as she turned to face her husband. “You know how I feel about these things. Tommy would still …”

She couldn’t finish the sentence. Her younger brother had been killed on his first motorcycle – at age 16.

“Stop baby,” her husband said as he went to her side and held her. “He’s not Tommy. Look at him. He’s not a little boy anymore. Sooner or later you’ll have to learn to let go.”

She turned to look at Johnny, who had tried so hard to find his identity. Sarah couldn’t help but smile as she saw that the half-man/half-child had fallen asleep on the couch – watching cartoons – his long lean body draped over a stack of pillows on the floor.

She remembered how upset she felt when he cut his hair, first into a Mohawk, later clean-shaven. A lightening bolt tattoo followed and Sarah was relieved when he told her it was only henna.

No matter how big he got, he would always be her little boy, she thought.

“Sweetheart,” her husband interrupted her thoughts, telephone against his chest. “It’s ‘Make a Wish Foundation.’ They are bringing a motorcycle for Johnny to ride.”

Sarah nodded as tears rolled down her face. She knew she couldn’t take Johnny’s last wish away.
******

27 Comments:
*~*{Sameera}*~* said...
That was so heartrending.My heart went out to the family.Hope it might not be his last wish...Very well narrated!
July 15, 2008 1:39 PM
wrath999 said...
Wow sadness at abundance here.Excellent!alex
July 15, 2008 1:58 PM
BernardL said...
Well illustrated sample of a parent's nightmare.
July 15, 2008 2:37 PM
Sarah Hina said...
So heartbreaking. You took this in a completely different direction than I thought. The line about having to "let go" really gets me in retrospect. And I like how he is caught between boyhood and adulthood as all this strikes. Richly drawn tale. Good job!
July 15, 2008 2:49 PM
strugglingwriter said...
Very heartfelt. I could totally hear my Mom saying “No. Absolutely not,” to a motorcycle :)
July 15, 2008 2:55 PM
J.C. Montgomery said...
Wow, what a tug on the heart. Good job on drawing the reader in so well in such a short space of time.
July 15, 2008 3:11 PM
Beth said...
Truly a surprise ending, not what I expected at all. Very good!
July 15, 2008 3:11 PM
kgilbert said...
A superbly woven story. Surprise ending. Very poignant.
July 15, 2008 3:58 PM
JaneyV said...
Esther - a beautiful and poignant story. The ending was both heart-breaking and unexpected. You packed a lot into your 250 words. Well Done.
July 15, 2008 4:35 PM
SzélsőFa said...
Oh, this was painful and haunting. The twist at the end made it sorrowful, and took the meaning of 'letting go' to another, elevated level.
July 15, 2008 5:01 PM
September said...
Thank you, everyone. I actually had three different stories in mind but decided to go with this one because I enjoy writing unexpected endings. I was hoping it was not too obvious but wanted the reader to go back and see it -- the "letting go" and the shaved head. I had a couple other hints in there but removed them because it may have been too obvious.Thank you again for the kind comments.
July 15, 2008 10:15 PM
Lena said...
really a surprise ending, makes me feel so sad after reading it, you have done a great job in just 250 words :)
July 15, 2008 11:26 PM
JR's Thumbprints said...
It's not easy being subtle, but I think you did a good job with it.
July 16, 2008 12:17 AM
Wannabe Writer said...
Not even a hint that Johnny was sick until the end. Good job. -Rita
July 16, 2008 7:53 AM
Scott said...
I was sure this was going to turn bad quickly, but you played it straight. This is a slice of a parent's life, the pain of letting go. Touching.
July 16, 2008 8:05 AM
Dottie said...
Ditto what Scott said. Nice pacing in your piece.
July 17, 2008 11:37 AM
The Grocer said...
Excellent surprise at the end in a totally different way to expectation.
July 17, 2008 12:20 PM
pernille said...
What an ending! I was so surprised. After reading you own comments I found the clues - excellent writing.
July 17, 2008 5:44 PM
angel said...
omg that totally caught me off guard! i have a big lump in my throat now... wonderful!
July 18, 2008 2:52 AM
c.s. said...
beautifully written! i like it a lot!
July 18, 2008 12:40 PM
September said...
Thank you for the supportive comments. I've always enjoyed reading (and writing) stories with twists and turns, and especially enjoy surprise endings. I'm grateful to Jason for running these contests - we all learn so much and it so entertaining to read all of your stories.
July 19, 2008 2:41 AM
Posolxstvo I said...
Nice irony... made us think that mom said no to a bike because someone she loved was killed on one - looks like even she believes that. This was one of my favorites (so far).
July 19, 2008 10:48 AM
Missy said...
beautiful.
July 19, 2008 1:31 PM
September said...
Thank you, missy and posolxstvo i.
July 19, 2008 6:42 PM
laughingwolf said...
well done, esther... hits home on so many levels
July 19, 2008 7:34 PM
September said...
Thank you, laughingwolf.
July 20, 2008 2:20 AM
jason evans said...
Very effective emotional hit. Did not see that coming at all. We were lulled into a sense of normal teenage rebellion. High marks overall.
July 24, 2008 4:57 PM